The Motherload

I missed the my kids athletics carnival this week because I had to work. I compensated by packing the world's best lunchboxes, creating fantastic hair-do's complete with team colours and I even organised for Dad to visit for an hour or so to catch some of the action. But I still wasn't there. I've been to the last 4 athletics carnivals to cheer my boys on from the sideline and give them a hug when they missed the final or came last. I had a bad case of mother-guilt.

So what did I miss? My eldest came second in the 200m, my middle boy came 3rd in his 100m heat (although he points out that there were only 3 in the race, so that's not really that good anyway) and my little girl came first in both the Year 1 cross country and the 100m final. I missed her big day! Yes, I felt terrible all day and then felt terrible all night too. But a few days have now passed, and I'm strarting to be able to see my absence in the grander scheme of things and accept that not going to the carnival does not make me a bad mother and that my children are actually far less upset about than I am.

I've decided there's not really much you can do to overcome mother-guilt. It just comes with the job. We will always compare ourselves to others and want to do the very best for our kids. There's actually nothing wrong with that lofty aim, but we do need to keep it in perspective and give ourselves a quick slap in the face when we let our thoughts run away from reality.

"Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse." - Proverbs 25:24

Lost

On our recent trip to Sydney, the kids and I were catching a train one wet afternoon. We were waiting on the stairs like a number of commuters for the train to come in. Two trains drew into the platform, so we moved up the stairs to jump on ours. My just-turned-8 son skipped ahead of me and around a couple of people. By the time I got up the 5 or 6 stairs he was nowhere to be seen.

My first fear was that he'd somehow been pulled under the train, then I thought he'd jumped on one of the carriages. So I called out to him. I called out a couple of times, getting more frantic with each call. One man had the good sense to see that I was in a panic, so he had the train stopped and they put a call over the loud speaker. Nothing happened. Meanwhile I'm really starting to worry about where he could have disappeared to in just a few seconds.

Then another passenger came over and said he thought he'd seen a young boy jump on the other train. So the rail staff decided he was definitely on that train and let our train go. Looking back onto the Sydney Harbour Bridge there were 2 other trains waiting to come into the station - it's not every holiday that you get to shut down the Sydney rail network during peak hour!

The rail staff took us into the control room where they were trying to get the other train stopped at the next station. They had decided to put a call over the loud speaker when it got to that station, and if that didn't work they would organised for the transit staff to physically inspect the train at the following station. It was about this time the other children burst into tears fearing they'd never see their brother again.

Thankfully, at that moment he had been presented at the control room at the next station by a friendly adult on the other train. It took us another 15 minutes to be reunited, but it all ended out good in the end, although I'm sure I've aged a little from the experience! So what did happen? Well he got on the wrong train. The doors had closed when he heard me yelling, so he knocked on the door. And that's when the good samaritan stepped in.

And what have I learnt? That even the best kids will do the wrong thing sometimes and all we can do is hope they have enough common sense to get themselves out of trouble. That there are more people in the world who will help a child, than harm them. And that children are treasures - the thought of never seeing them again is too horrible to even contemplate.

"Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children!" - Psalm 127:5

Pleasure World

I heard a fellow speaking on the radio the other day suggesting that the modern pace of life is creating a pleasure-overdrive for our children, that ultimately will put them at greater risk of addictions and depression. It was a pretty bleak message! Basically, he was saying that because our children participate in many organised activities and have access to so much electronic media, their bodies release far too much of the chemicals related to pleasure, that their brains are unable to enjoy the basic pleasures of life. His suggestions were that we limit television, movie and game access (haven't we all heard that before!) and ensure our children have plenty of time to get bored and make their own fun.

I don't know about your family, but my children often wake up 'bored'. They seem to think if they don't have something to do straight away, there is nothing to do. But when we go camping, or hit the holidays, I don't hear that quite so early in the day and they usually can find something to do much quicker. I don't think we should underestimate the impact of the school routine on our children either.

About this time of the year, I always find children are getting grumpy and feisty. They bicker and fight one another and refuse to do as they're told. This happens both at school and at home! I think it's because they've been at school for 8 months now and they're getting tired. There's still a lot of pressure on children and their teachers to get work done and assessments complete. The winter is coming to an end, and most children have been knocked down by at least one cold or bug. It just seems to be a seasonal thing that, as we come into Spring, they take a little longer than the landscape to recover from winter.

So, what can we as parents do about it? I've decided that having as few organised things as possible is good. Being able to bunker down and have plenty of lazy afternoons and weekends at home is a good thing. I've also found that having something to look forward to in the holidays helps. Whether that's a camping trip, sleepover at the grandparents or a special outing. A positive light at the end of the tunnel seems to keep everyone moving forward. And the other thing I do is give up on pretending that the house is in order. At this moment, every morning is a hunting expedition to find a pair of matching socks or a clean uniform shirt. It's taken me a few years, but now I think, "Who cares!" and just get through each morning as best I can, then regroup for the afternoon battle.

"Wise thinking leads to right living; stupid thinking leads to wrong living." - Ecclesiastes 10:2

School Holidays

This is from a few weeks ago.....

I love school holidays. I always feel so worn out by the time we get to the end of Term 3. I think it's the combination of all the regular school things, the soccer and hockey seasons and the sickness that seems to take up residence in our house from June onwards.

I'm going camping with my family on Friday. Well actually, my husband has to work Friday now and my eldest boy decided to stay for his rugby league breakup party, so now it's just me and the 6 and 8 year old heading to our campsite on Friday morning. I have to admit I'm a little worried about this. They're not the most reliable workers in the tent and tarp set-up business. In fact they usually run off as soon as we arrive, so I've been drilling into them the importance of helping me out at least until the tent and tarp are up. Still, I have a suspicion I'm going to be trying to put up the tent on my own.

The beauty of our camping trip is we go with about 5 other families, so once we're set up, all the work is done. The kids even look after themselves, returning for food at regular intervals to show us that they're still alive and haven't lost one another. All I have to do is grab them when they appear for dinner and their torches and march them off to the showers. Oh, and do all that cooking. For some reason, I seem to cater for about 10 children every morning for breakfast. Lucky the bacon and eggs seem to always stretch the distance!

Growing Up Too Fast

My 6 year old daughter has recently started behaving like I did when I was about 13. And that scares me! She told me to "Shut up, stupid!" the other day, and I have to admit I was really offended. But if she's behaving like that now, how rude and defiant will she be when she's 13?

I've noticed over the years that the girls in Year 5 onwards often start to get a poisonous attitude that turns nice little girls into terrifying adolescents. Not one to wait for my daughter to go off the rails, I decided to do a bit of Googling and find out what ammunition I could pack in my parenting pocket. This is what I came up with:

• Set boundaries and enforce them with consequences. Young people who have to live within boundaries develop a special part of their brain that helps them regulate their behaviour better.
• Limit the influence of their peers. Young people today can have access to their friends 24/7 through mobiles and internet chat sites. Too much time with their friends reinforces faulty adolescent opinions and attitudes.
• Maintain the dominance of the family in their lives. Make mealtimes together a standard and ensure that your kids know when the family comes first. Make sure that you spend time each week doing something together, not in front of the TV, but actually interacting.
• Don't try to be your kids' best friend. After all, what 12 year old wants a friend your age?

Like most parents, I really struggle to maintain boundaries. Sometimes I feel just too tired to keep fighting and I'm all too ready to give in just so I can have some peace and quiet. I think that's where we need to make sure we've got friends around us who can give us the strength to stand firm. Where we don't have those friends, then it's important to seek some professional help.

In the meantime, let me encourage you to keep your eyes focused on that cute smiling face stuck on the fridge and your spirit holding tight to the last hug and kiss they gave you.

"So let us not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up or quit." - Romans 6:9